Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ve fallen down

Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ve fallen down

Macy

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Hahahahaha	[Dec. 15th, 2008\|12:54 am]
yeah um. about that studying thing...... these make me giggle... “Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. ‘I had a great time with ….THEM.’ Great! Now they don’t think you’re queer ~ just a big slut!” - Judy Carter “My mom blames California for being a lesbian. ‘Everything was fine until you moved out there.’ ‘That’s right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West Hollywood. The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe.” - Coley Sohn “If homosexuality is a disease, lets all call in queer to work ‘Hello. Can’t work today, still queer’.” - Robin Tyler “Introductions are tricky in a lesbian relationship. It’s a word game. To my friends she’s my lover, to strangers and family members in denial she’s my roommate, to Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door she’s my lesbian sex slave, and to my mother she’s Jewish and that’s all that matters.” - Denise McCanles ” My lover asked me if I wanted to have children. I told her I didn’t know, but we should keep trying.” -Suzy Berger “That word lesbian sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they’re sure that they’re the cure.” - Denise McCanles
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(no subject)	[Oct. 17th, 2007\|10:17 pm]
I don't think I've ever been this lonely before. Hurry, someone fix it. Please?
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(no subject)

[Oct. 7th, 2007|01:26 am]

[

Current Mood

ecstatic

]

Pacquiao is the best. Period. Juan Manuel Márquez you're next! We're going to win. The last fight was a draw but clearly Manny kicked your ass and everyone knows it.

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(no subject)	[Sep. 3rd, 2007\|12:10 am]
Happy Birthday Macy
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(no subject)	[Jul. 21st, 2007\|12:55 am]
AH! Friends only from now on. ;] Comment to be add
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I remember waiting for you to call

[Jul. 20th, 2007|01:28 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	gloomy	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Ataris - "The Saddest Song"	]

So I guess I should put a decent update on here...

I really like Apple. I don't know her that well yet but we're getting closer and closer every time we talk. My mom put me in the worst moods today but when Apple called I felt a lot better.

I don't know, I'm still confused.

I like Olivia, but I can't do a long distance thing anymore. What if I can't even get to meet her?
I don't know. I wish I could like her like how she likes me, but I don't know.

I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to hurt myself.
Long distance never works out with me...

I'm sorry she met me. She deserves someone that isn't like me.

*sigh*

I feel terrible.

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Fighting all the Demons will take time

[Jul. 20th, 2007|12:01 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	crappy	]
[	Current Music	\|	Dishwalla - "Angels or Devils"	]

When I was little I did everything within my power to make my parents happy and proud of me.
Now I know it won't really happen. Instead, I'm going to prove to them that I CAN do it. I'm going to show them that I can.

They never notice anything I do, only what I can't do.

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(no subject)	[Jul. 20th, 2007\|01:36 am]
Holy eyes, I never knew I'd beg down at your feet Hold on tight I never knew I'd know much more than this Open sky, the wave of pain the scent of you is bliss Hungry eyes, they stare at me I know, I know Don't go!
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Baby I make it through

[Jul. 20th, 2007|12:35 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	content	]
[	Current Music	\|	Classified - "All About You"	]

I learned a new sport today: Grits Ball.

Watched Madea's Family Reunion and it was really good.
Today was a good day.

Relaxed with friends.

Excited for tomorrow.
Hopefully I can get out.

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Kung Wala Ka

[Jul. 16th, 2007|10:28 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	tired	]
[	Current Music	\|	Hairspray - "Without Love"	]

I just don't know right now.

I'm really confused and I can't tell anyone about it.
I'm too ashamed to tell anyone about this.

What am I to do?

My heart has taken it's fair turn at beatings, but I don't know.
This was unexpected.

So why am I hurting?

A couple years ago, my feelings would be so clear and I would totally know what was wrong with me.
Not anymore. I don't believe in all that Bullshit anymore.

A part of me wants love so much.
Another part me wants nothing to do with that bullshit.

A part of me wants to be with a girl that makes my heart melt. Someone who sweeps me away. Makes me forget reality. Someone just amazing. Someone I can trust. Someone who'll see me for who I am. Someone I can say, I love you, to. Someone I can write and draw about. A part of me wants to seek out this girl.

Another part of me is so scared to even think about doing that. Why would I risk my feelings to someone who will probably break them? Why bother? It's too much work. It drains me. They will just hurt me. I'll be open to all sorts of emotions. Most importantly, they will Know me.

I don't know.

My feelings have been spastic lately.
I'm trying not to drag people into it but I already suck at doing that.

I really do hate myself sometimes.

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(no subject)

[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:08 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	grateful	]
[	Current Music	\|	DJ Doboy - "Eurojams vol 1"	]

I didn't know I could change so much in 3 days.
I guess that's just how life is.

I love everyone who has been there for me even when I'm not the best person in the world.

My god, I love my friends.
You can truly see the real ones in situations like this.

My head has been very confused lately, but now at least things are a little clearer.

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Holy eyes, I never knew I'd beg down at your feet

[Jul. 15th, 2007|11:09 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	crappy	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Distillers - "The Hunger"	]

There comes a time in everyone's life where revelation occurs; usually more than once.
When people are forced to make decisions that may lead their life to completely different places.

I've had a major one come up into my life recently and I've made all the wrong choices. All these past years, I've been completely selfless and sacrificing my time and effort for everyone but myself. One day, I found out I should be able to have fun myself also. I've been running wild with it; not looking at consequences and trying to find the shorter route.

I thought I could avoid much needed speed bumps, but I can't.
I thought I could talk my way out of anything because I usually can.
The 'ol motto, leave it as it be and it'll fix its self.

It's not completely the right quote, but I hope you get it.

It's like obusing what can be good and suddenly having it back fire on you.
I took the whole, just let it happen, too far as it's needed to be.

Let's just say I hurt someone I never thought I would hurt in a million years. It's completely my fault.
I can't mend the past. What's done is done. All I can do now is learn.

I take things for granted. I never thought I did, but I really do.

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ugh. x__x

[Jul. 15th, 2007|03:24 pm]

[

Current Mood

tired

]

I drank way too much last night.
That's all that needs to be said.

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Let's celebrate and remember a year

[Jul. 14th, 2007|01:41 pm]

[

Current Mood

drained

]

Holy shit.

I never realized how hot my friend was.
God damn.
x_x

I hate hot internet friends.
>_<

ps- I hope you all know my entry titles are just mindless lyrics most of the time and usually mean nothing haha.

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and I hum to you Sweet Clementine	[Jul. 14th, 2007\|12:09 am]
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
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Join the Youth and Beauty Brigade

[Jul. 13th, 2007|10:37 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	tired	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Decemberists - "COYBB"	]

Yesterday was a great break from everything.
My feelings were off the walls.

Erika came over. We sketched out her painting. The thought of doing another painting just gets me excited and happy; looking at all my new brushes makes me want to jump around and yell. yay.

I went to rugby yesterday. It's been forever. We went there to meet up with Meagan for dinner later. I haven't played rugby in forever; I can safely say I miss it. I was really intimidated at first. All the college boys. But I saw familiar faces: a couple coaches I knew and some high schoolers were there. I didn't have cleats or shorts because I didn't think it'd be long. And it wasn't; we didn't stay long. It was fun though. We played a touch scrimmage using "Michigan rules."

I know we were just playing around but god. There was this one instant where I knew I should of dove at that gay that flew past me. I would of got him. But god. That feeling of just wanting to dive at someone. UGH I miss rugby so much. It was the best pain reliever.

Went out to eat Sushi with Meagan and Erika. Um, I love sushi. I love Meagan! I never get to see her often so I was happy to hang out with her again. After we ate we went back to her dorms and just hung around for a bit and then we left. I hate being the youngest. =[
I want college so bad, but oh well. I'm being patient.

But anyway... I told Matt about Paige and I. I think he took it kind of weird. He thinks we were the perfect couple; not were but are. I don't know. We would of been the perfect couple. If I hadn't of moved away, it would of been perfect.

You know, I'm glad I moved.
Missouri made me so unhappy. I had no one there but her. It was and is a miserable place. I'm glad I moved to Athens. I love it here. I don't care it's the south. It's better than Washington. I have friends here who understand me. Besides, there's way too much straight people in Washington. It's awkward.

We went out to dinner, when I visited, with her friends. All straight but this one boy, whom I love. It was awkward. They were talking about boys. I mean, what the hell? I HAVE straight friends but my straight friends are use to my jokes and me being OPENLY gay. Her friends were definitly not. It was awkward, so I was quiet the whole time. I was sitting there going, "where the hell are the gay people, shit" I could totally tell Trey, the gay boy, wasn't use to being around other gay people. He sounds gay, but he doesn't really talk gay? Does that make sense? Oh well. boy that boy would burst if he met my gay friends, lmao.

I just noticed that when I visited. No wonder I didn't find out I was gay until I moved to Georgia. Washington, MO is a freaking backwater city. Ugh. I hate that place. I hate the people in it, most at least.

Whatever, I don't even want to go into all of this now.
This is just upsetting me.

Will and I might hang out tonight. Tomorrow I'm spending the night at Apo's with Hannah and some of Apo's friends. My goal is not to get freaking smashed. I am friendly when I'm drunk and there are two people in that room who like me.

That won't end well. Wish me luck.

ps - if I wasn't so scared of relationships and commitment right now; I'd totally be flipping out on Olivia. Bleh. Why are all the awesome people in Cali? god damn. haha. Oh well, it's just like my luck.

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Copy and Pasted from my Xanga

[Jul. 12th, 2007|02:07 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	blank	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Decemberists - "Eli, the Borrow Boy"	]

I'm sorry I've neglected writing in here. I guess I've been ranting more on my livejournal.

I use to rant about how I didn't care who read my entries but now I do. That's probably why I stopped writing in here. I'm going to take a deep breath and just write... I'll probably hurt some people... but it's fine. I need this right now.

Lately, my head has been in the clouds. I've been so confused about so many things. I feel dirty, unclean. That some how I'm running away from something; that I'm missing something maybe.

Within the past couple months, I've found out a couple people who have shown interest in me. It's flattering. I don't usually get this much people liking on me. It's a new thing sort of. It makes me feel like I have so much pressure on me though. What's the definition of a perfect person? Most use that word. Perfect. What is perfect? How does that relate to me? I don't see the connection. I'll tell you what I am.

I play people. I toy with people's emotions. I'm a terrible person. I've flirted with every girl that has taken a liking to me. I'm just a horrible person. but I can't help it. I can't. At first I thought I was just being nice... joking around until I found out they had begun to show deeper feelings for me. so I thought am I toying with them? am I doing this on purpose? and the answer is, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

For some time now, I've developed a way of just taking on life: Just go with the Flow. I now realize I'm incapable of that. If I just let myself do whatever, I hurt people. I hurt too much people. I don't like hurting people.

Now is the question, how do you really feel?

I feel empty, incomplete.

Olivia. She's an amazing girl. She really is. I don't get to talk to her much because she's always traveling. We live opposite lives. It's weird to compare them. She's a really sweet girl. She's shy but she isn't shy around me, only sometimes. I think her shyness is really cute. She's one of the people that use the word perfect. That word that has no meaning to me after being heard a million times. She has deep feelings for me. Inside I think I'm suppose to also. That burning in your chest; the good kind. But I don't get it. I don't know. I think she loves me. I feel I should love her too. Love is so hard though. Love isn't easy. I can't achieve that feeling of Love. She tells me she doesn't want to think too much because it makes her sad. I can't just not think. Maybe I'm afraid to get hurt again. It reminds me too much of someone else... I'm afraid of being emotionally attached. She use to give me that burning feeling until I realized it was like us. It scared me. I don't want to go through that hurt again... it wasn't normal. It was severe and it changed me so much. I don't know if I can do that anymore.

I can't dream any more. I'm no longer capable of writing about love and fairy tales. That just doesn't happen anymore. It's not true in my world. Love kills. It kills your beautiful innocence. It makes the world darker and more real. You open your eyes and you see how things are. We all experience it. I think I experienced it too young... I'm too young to think of the world this way. I'm too young to have so many scars. But who am I to talk. I haven't gone through anything compared to other people. It's just... a sad thought.

Maria. She's also a sweet girl. I play rugby against her. She lives close to Atlanta. I've been talking to her a lot on msn. I don't know how I feel about her. I know she likes me, a lot maybe. I don't know. I'm just afraid about hurting her. I think she would make a great girlfriend, but that's not what I'm looking for right now.

These two girls. I don't want to announce their names. Invited me to stay with one of them this weekend. They were talking to me last night; they were high and drunk. My two least favorite things. They were talking of kissing. Do they both like me? Or do they just want sex or something else? I like sex, no, I love sex. But that doesn't mean I'll have sex with anyone.

Sex is a beautiful thing. It's the ultimate trust. I'm letting you see my body for what it is. I can't let anyone see that. There's too much truth in a naked body. You see so much.

Anyone else who's liked me... I'm not sure of them so I shouldn't make assumptions. There's more... I just don't like making an assumption so fast. I know when people like me. I hate it.

And you.
You...
The girl I spent years running after. I devoted my life to you for years. Even before we were lovers. Now I draw a blank; what am I suppose to say about this?

Last night I told you I was ok with being friends. I was ok with it. Do you know how long it took me to be ok with it? It took... months... maybe a year... of thinking, of forcing myself out of my will. You hurt me. You hurt me so many times. Being with other boys... doing other boys... all with boys... I admit I had things too... but not like you... I told you every one of mine... I cried to you because of my overwhelming guilt. I found out from people. They tell me. That's how I found out that one day. I texted you. You were at church. I said you lied to me. And a couple days later I went away to the Philippines. I went there with a sour feeling towards you. How dare you not tell me.

I realized, why should it matter, it's her life. not Mine. And I tried telling myself, no it's not her life. it's Ours. its Our life. I should Know these Things.

Everyday. I think about it. I am telling the whole truth. I think about it. Every day. I use to. Everyday. I would cry. Every day. thinking about everything. I was a mess. I had no control of my life or my emotions because. I love you. I Loved you. I have never shown anyone so much of my being. So much of my emotion. You know me like no one else does. You can break me so easily. You just need to want to and you can. any day of your life. I was going to wait for you.

Soon I became discouraged. What if this is just a lie. Is this worth it? My pain, my sweat. Is this worth it?

It scared me. You knew too much about me. I don't let people Know me. I don't. I humor them. I laugh when I'm suppose to. I act how I'm suppose to. You saw right through me and it scares me. but I tried ignoring it because I loved you. that's what's suppose to happen when you're in love, right?

I was forced to think of you as a friend. I was forced to.
this love. it made me go crazy. it made me want to just disappear. it was overwhelming. I didn't know how to think; I forgot how to.

I was afraid that, that love would drive me away. I can't be away from you. How can love drive someone away? It can easily... it has too much emotion. I couldn't handle it.

with being friends. I won't have as much emotion towards you. which means we can still talk and everything... I don't know.

I don't even know what all I've said anymore.
I doubt this makes any sense.

Maybe it's because I don't trust my feelings anymore.

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Couldn't you believe?

[Jul. 10th, 2007|02:14 am]